Or having a relationship with your married boss- done that more than once!” It was just becoming unbearable.” Her obsession with sex and relationships affected her daily life, including her career in Hollywood: “You’re sitting at your desk fantasizing about having a relationship with your married boss. “I would date someone for six weeks and I would suffer over it for six months. But while movies and music nearly always have a happy ending, Riley’s reality was much different: “I was spending much too much time balled up on the floor in the fetal position, clutching my belly, just wanting to die because some guy hadn’t called me back.”Īt age 42, after getting clean from a cocaine addiction, Riley eventually realized the anguish she felt over parting ways with a man was lasting “longer than the so-called relationship,” she says. After all, it appears frequently in rom-coms and pop songs, she says. Riley thinks her sex addiction flew under the radar in part because society sort of expects-if not outright encourages-obsessive relationship behavior in women. She described her addiction as “having sex with people I would not have lunch with” and “sitting and obsessing and fantasizing and making up scenarios in these big complex romantic fantasies.”
But this "boy-craziness" didn’t stop in her teenage years, or her 20s, or even her 30s. “From as early as I can remember, I would be what was called boy-crazy by anybody who was watching,” Riley says. It’s a story that sounds familiar to Lee Riley*, a 60-something woman (she declined to share her exact age, preferring to identify as “old enough to know better”) living in Los Angeles who is also a sex addict. When she got to the place where she felt suicidal over the guy who wouldn’t text back, “I wanted crumbs from guys at that point.” The trouble was, DeGuzman chose men who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to her. So she used sex as “a tool,” in her words, to keep men close to her. Throughout her 20s, she assumed other straight women were reacting or feeling the way she did with men and that “all that guys would want from me” was sex.
"I believed that that was all I was good for." “I had this story from a very early age that a woman who was sexually desired, a woman who was sexual, a woman men wanted to have sex with, was of value,” she told Glamour. Charlene deGuzman says her sex addiction started as a “hunger for love and attention and validation.” For her, the confusion came from misplaced messages about her self-worth. Men with sex addiction are more inclined to “just want to have sex and then move on” as opposed to becoming entwined in the emotional aspects of the relationship, Hudson explains, but sex addicts of both genders need continuous hits of attention and affection-women just go about it more privately.ĭespite the name, sex and love addiction is the opposite of sexy-it is a deeply anguished and often isolating affliction. Often, they don’t get caught until they do something illegal and/or incredibly stupid ( paging Anthony Weiner), which makes the sex addict tabloid stereotype all the more salacious. Male sex addicts are more likely to pursue commercial sex, explains Hudson, so they’ll turn to massage parlors, strip clubs, or online relationships to get their fix. Our society mostly focuses on guys with sex addiction because, well, from the outside their spiraling-out looks pretty juicy.
“People become objects to be used and not people to be related to.” “ it’s not really about the person,” Hudson says. Addicts tend to zero in on whoever’s available-no matter how married, engaged, far away, or otherwise inappropriate he or she might be.
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